Polytechnic Life - Worst ever,
Thursday, April 28, 2011.
Hi been so long since I blogged.
I think it's already been over a month??
Anw I really have to get alot off my chest! Stress!

Would one rather change one's ways to gain companionship, or would one remain true to oneself?

This is my "sloganic" question of this year 2011.

K from here on I will say wadever I wanna say! I dont give a fuhh if it affects any part of me lifezz.


This year just entered Singapore Polytechnic.
I got into the DMAT course which is "Diploma in Music & Audio Technology"
I first put that course as my FIRST CHOICE.
It wasn't a rash or random decision.
I carefully considered how much I loved music, creating and all,
asked for family advice. Most replies were to follow passion.
So, my passion is totally in music.
I put DMAT as 1st choice, despite how exaggeratedly far the school is from home,
no matter how I don't have a single friend in the same course as me.
Because I wanted to follow my passion.

Now, I 100% realistically regret my decision.
I trudged on the wrong footpath of my life.
How I'm feeling currently is like I'm in a pitch black limbo of despair, regret, pain etc.
I've up to now, been feeling like dropping out of the course.
But, if I do so? What else can I do? Which course? Nothing else seems interesting to me.


I first entered the course with utmost love & passion for music & any relations.
But after going through a tiny phase of the course, now all of that are crushed & destroyed...

I'm actually coping well with all the modules for my course, leaving maths as one of the toughest but I can still pick it up at a slow pace.
But what struck me to hate the course, is the lifestyle there...

My classmates (19 of them to be exact) are actually really great people.
They are all multitalented, cheerful, overenthusiastic & fun.
Only thing is, they are of those qualities only to one another (19 of em tgt)
For bad reasons, I sort of am unintentionally excluded.
Really, I don't think they are the problem at all.
I think the fact is that I'm the problem...
I can't seem to get along well with them.

They may not see it, but on an overview it's noticeable.
They can all talk, joke, chat, communicate very well with one another.
Really enthusiastic to one another too!
But I'm not like that at all, so I'm not at all an inch close in to them in bond terms.

I'm such a extremely quiet person, very quiet. (And it fking sux)
I really can't stand this quality of me... I wanna die cos of it.
It's because of my personality, I can't fit in with my Poly classmates.
I really wanna die! Better yet, why won't I just cease from existence?
I hate my personality.

It's really hard for me to make the 1st move of talking, or befriending new people.
Now a lot of people will prompt me that it's easy, just try, can do it. etc
But truly, it's one of the most challenging and difficult task in my entire life.
It's indescribable.. I'll can only try my best to express what it means 50%.
It's like, I really really wanna talk and make the first move and all.
But deep within my heart and subconciousness, my entire soul & body just wont bother working to go and approach the new ppl/person to talk to and friend.
I feel so uneasy, not usual uneasiness, the feeling feels beyond human nature..

Sound to me like I have a fatal disease or sth.
But I'm am very devastated of my life.
To be directly honest, my complaining here may seem like I'm a sore, a bad asshole
coz there R others worse of then me.
My answer, is that I wish that those that R far off worse in life then me can take over my life!!! And I cease to existence! I dont wanna exist or live at all!!

I think this is called introvert??
Though eryone says introvert is wont talk at all.
For me, I do talk, but only if ppl talk to me first.
Other than that, I will never approach ppl at all, unless its super super urgent that I need to ask/talk abt something.
But on normal basis, I don't talk at all.
So, thats why I feel arent I an introvert???

Many times I really try to change!
I asked my friends for advice, family, even search online.
I keep trying my best to try and try.
At the very most, I will improve 0.01%, after that I unconciously revert back to old self.

I seriously wanna change, but there seem to be a huge obstacle that I cant change.



Another note though,
I really don't mind being alone, not talking for 48hours or more somthing lidat.
But what it worries me alot if I dont talk to ppl, have good friends, normal friends,
because I'm worried that it will negatively affect my life and cause me to suffer,
be it academically, spiritually, emotionally. etc.

Now, it sounds pretty longwinded and crazy but, I am hurt emotionally...
Because despite me not minding being alone, I still am very worried being alone,
will affect my life negatively destroying it somehow, so I feel that maybe it's a MUST after all to have friends. So now with my personality, it seems I will never ever make new friends, I feel so infected, so hurt.

Sounds selfish to me though...
But then I am a good hearted person I believe and I'm not boasting.
I will actually treat my friends very nice, even if they backstab me somewhat.
I am very forgiving too... which is also kinda bad I guess...

Thankfully what actually keeps me going at 1% of my life,
I have my secondary school friends!
I don't have a lot of secondary school friends,
but at least the few R nice ppl that I love.
They will forever be in my heart.
(I'm not talking abt courtship love ah!)

But back to Polytechnic..........
I hate it. I can't fit in, I can't make friends, I feel so excluded.
I stick out like a thorn (as in all of em bondedly noisy in a good way; me very quiet)

My internet life also dropped down already.
All because of poly life.
Because my class created a Facebook Group.
Then ALL of them post there non-stop, socialising and having fun time with one another. While, I'm the only one who NEVER POSTED THERE BEFORE since day 1.
It's the same problem, subconciously a ruling force compels me from posting make first move blah blah blah balrhm akethnkgdjh.

This dampens my dying spirit more...
Please Jesus, I love you, and I know you love me as equal as everyone else.
Oh yes, another person I can turn to is Jesus. He loves me/everyone unconditionally.
But still, if only Jesus could take my life away painlessly and I live in his eternal kingdom without feeling anguished and sad.

I've also tried positive reinforcement attitude..failed as usual.
I keep telling myself, it will get better, my life will improve.
But so far, no improvement. I shld go eat Cyanide.

Why wasnt I born like everyone one else? :(
I don't like being "special" (note the "")
I wanna be a common normal person! A common boy.
Listen to rock/metal music.
Love/Play Sports.
Very talkative and loud.
Sociable.

But instead I'm opposite of all those.
No matter how ppl say personal preferences will not affect friendship,
it really does affect, at a certain percentage.
It's not a sole factor of affecting it, but it does affect.
So... I'm as good as a carcass.

Bottom line, I registered for the course with :
- Eagerness
- Passionate of Music
- Strong Will
- Dream of being songwriter/performer

After going through less than a month of the course, I'm :
- Devastated
- Very little passion for Music, developed a hate for it too.
- Weak & Hurt
- No more dreams; don't want to be songwriter/performer anymore.

So, = lost in life without a purpose.


I feel like going to SP feels like I'm first time going to American High School.
There's like a legacy, that you must do all sorts of stuff just to fit in,
and you'd want to fit in coz it will help with ur life while in school.
I even told myself, travelling for 1h30min back & forth respectively, is no prob.
Because back den I was keen on going for my passion course.
But now, I hate every aspect... suffer travelling too.

One of my greatest hopes I've pinned my life to,
that the Mayan's predictions of 21st December 2012, the worldscale massive death,
will be entirely true, and arrive. Sooner would be better.
Then let eryone who wanna survive, survive.
Let ppl like me, who dont get the good out of the world, and dont even deserve the Earth world, perish!

Now awaiting : 21st December 2012.
Counting : 1 year, 7 months, and approx. 20days